Tuesday, October 12, 2010

let me tell you the news!

i just wanna start this Blog by dedicating my favorite thing in the whole world to harrison. baby, you are always #2 in my heart.

hey, so today i'm gonna blog about all of the important news.

i think everyone got divorced. well, except my parents; they hit thirty years next month. i guess that is not news because we only like the scandalous stuff. focus! anyway. i think i'm most sad about xtina and that total bro splitting up, mostly because i think he's kinda hot for a frat dude and i already have a boyfriend. sucks!

i don't have cable, so i can't watch Bravo. i hate, hate, hate to admit it, seriously, but i kind of want to see that Real Housewives of 90210 or whatever because I LOVE CAMILLE GRAMMER. i don't know why. i always have. you can ask aforementioned ill-timed boyfriend for further confirmation. actually, i do know why. i sincerely find Camille (always capital C) Completely fascinating. she was a dancer for years on club mtv and then met and married kelsey grammer. i think he tried to my fair lady her but instead he just got the eliza from that car crash of a lindsay lohan movie right before she went all batshit. megan fox still had her old face in it too.

some miners got out of a cave they've been in for months and it's totally awesome. i tried to read some news about it on cnn but i just got some story about how their wives were getting makeovers so they could look hot when their husbands come out.

i'm sorry; i am not super worried about grammar (grammer!!) because i am sleepy. i am, however, worried about my snooki costume because halloween is nigh.

may your spring breaks always be cancun,
your true internet friend jessica

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

parallels & downward trends

i find that there is a direct correlation between my age and inability to quiet my mind.

i think i've always assumed that these were inverse lines; that one day they'd crash at an intersection at some point where i felt in control of my thought patterns enough to progress, but instead it's become more and more difficult to focus myself on my goals. do i still have goals? what are they?

sometimes i wonder if there's something inside of me that is so desperate to come out and become some sort of tangible Thing that it simply won't accept not being. no, i think i'm just grasping at explanations.

i think i use laziness as an excuse for fear. i think the fact that i know this and i am not alone does nothing to change that.

Monday, August 17, 2009

first day of school

first day of school

today is my first day as an accidental high school teacher. i teach just a couple of classes a day. it is very hard to not feel overwhelmed. always aiming for whelmed over here.

i can't believe i've forgotten how utterly spent most twelfth-graders are. it's as if they're so over the whole banal schooling process that their frustration is palpable, dense. i've never imagined myself the hero teacher in a lower-income urban setting; i know how incredibly complex all sides of that facade are. the closest i've ever come is the time i played the secretary in my high school repertory's production of Stand and Deliver, and even then i served as comic relief. also, my acting was comically bad.

i make dumb jokes; the kids here seem too disinterested to laugh. most of my students are in my course simply because this is an insanely underfunded school district and there simply aren't enough enrichment classes to fit students' schedules, but they need the extra half-credit to graduate. i teach test preparation. many of my students don't plan on attending university. yet, i feel compelled to engage them somehow. i don't know if it's because i: a. secretly can't resist a challenge, b. really do still hold a thread of the empathy i once raveled in overabundance when young and passionate and in college/avoiding the Real World (as my mother says), or c. have finally completely and wholly LOST MY MIND.

not-totally-jokes aside, this is going to be a trying semester. i don't think i'll speak of it much though as i don't want to risk saying anything private regarding my school/work environment on a medium that is so easily (and in my case perpetually) misconstrued.

i just need advice. how does one inspire an overcrowded mass of kids who feel imprisoned rather than empowered and will likely never give a flying x-box controller what i have to teach? maybe i should be asking google instead of, well, no one. i'm going to call my dad and grandma as they've done this professionally for years and the already infinite respect and love i have for them has somehow increased exponentially. oh god, i hope there are no math problems like that on this test because i don't even know if that's rational. can one multiply infinity by itself?


Thursday, May 7, 2009

big gold dreams, or bloggin' part II: 2002's revenge

jeez louise, EVERYONE ON GCHAT (this is why i quit internets for so long by the way), i know what a blog is. actually, i had a livejournal or two back when i was brave and motivated and out of my fucking mind.

i think i just finally got over myself a couple of years ago. i don't delude myself into thinking that every single thought i have needs to be said/heard anymore. there are child soldiers and shit. even celebrities know that now. yep.

i had a really rough time after my car accident. i spent so much time trying to convince everyone else and myself that i was fine--no, that i was excellent. i was terrified and alone. i had nightmares for months and felt like i'd never meet someone who could relate to me on a genuine, honest level again. i changed in unspeakable ways at that point. wasn't all bad, though. i became more idealistic, to a fault, i suppose. i still have a lot of anxiety that never totally goes away.

i'm twenty-five now.
nearly twenty-six, a strange number that's followed me for the entirety of my existence.
it's a thing.

eh, who knows how words are formed? -m. scott, genius

i've felt for a long time that there's just so much to know that i'll never know, and at some point i just got mindshatteringly (haha!) overwhelmed. i'm just trying to get to whelmed.

on another note, maybe i'll go to grad school after all. i've already got uzbekistan's gdp in loans from when dad got sick and i left american, so why the hell not? i still like learning. you guys can grumble about grad assignments all you want, but i'm incredibly jealous and it's an ugly quality.

quite unbecoming of me. remind me when i too get all grouchy and whatnot.


y'all, explain this blog thing to me. got a blog. now what do i do with it? it's like, what were you up to last night? oh, i don't know, JUST BLOGGIN'

the p word

i'm wondering if maybe when people say they work best under the suffocating pressure of deadlines--is it just because that's the point when we break through that seal and realize that not everything has to be grandiose and groundbreaking, that now we just have to get it done? i don't really think most stuff comes out best that way; i think it's just that something is finally being produced. when i was in school i made this mistake a lot. even with simple creative writing, i mean, i'd be like, okay! enough. i'd have spent the whole more-than-enough time losing my shit thinking i had to write Something with Meaning, something Great, because even if it was just a school assignment, well, maybe i could expand it and make it into something noteworthy or publishable. well, guess what?


this is just a note to self, really; i sound like a high schooler trying to be philosophical, but i'm honestly just reminding myself that if i don't just fucking write already, it's not gonna get written. nobody's coming to save me. i'm not giving advice; i'm the last person qualified to do that at this given moment.