Monday, August 17, 2009

first day of school

first day of school

today is my first day as an accidental high school teacher. i teach just a couple of classes a day. it is very hard to not feel overwhelmed. always aiming for whelmed over here.

i can't believe i've forgotten how utterly spent most twelfth-graders are. it's as if they're so over the whole banal schooling process that their frustration is palpable, dense. i've never imagined myself the hero teacher in a lower-income urban setting; i know how incredibly complex all sides of that facade are. the closest i've ever come is the time i played the secretary in my high school repertory's production of Stand and Deliver, and even then i served as comic relief. also, my acting was comically bad.

i make dumb jokes; the kids here seem too disinterested to laugh. most of my students are in my course simply because this is an insanely underfunded school district and there simply aren't enough enrichment classes to fit students' schedules, but they need the extra half-credit to graduate. i teach test preparation. many of my students don't plan on attending university. yet, i feel compelled to engage them somehow. i don't know if it's because i: a. secretly can't resist a challenge, b. really do still hold a thread of the empathy i once raveled in overabundance when young and passionate and in college/avoiding the Real World (as my mother says), or c. have finally completely and wholly LOST MY MIND.

not-totally-jokes aside, this is going to be a trying semester. i don't think i'll speak of it much though as i don't want to risk saying anything private regarding my school/work environment on a medium that is so easily (and in my case perpetually) misconstrued.

i just need advice. how does one inspire an overcrowded mass of kids who feel imprisoned rather than empowered and will likely never give a flying x-box controller what i have to teach? maybe i should be asking google instead of, well, no one. i'm going to call my dad and grandma as they've done this professionally for years and the already infinite respect and love i have for them has somehow increased exponentially. oh god, i hope there are no math problems like that on this test because i don't even know if that's rational. can one multiply infinity by itself?

hilarious.