"the boundless nature of human desire is enough to make one shudder." -sumiki hikari, 'A Taste for Danger: The Hazardous History of Fugu'
it's hard not to compare my life to homer in that episode of the simpsons where he eats the possibly poisonous pufferfish because the sushi chef is hooking up with mrs. krabappel out back (to be fair, i get it). he is told he has 24--well at that point, 22 hours left to live and makes a plan to live them the best he can as death looms overhead.
naturally, nearly everything goes awry. he accidentally sleeps late. he gets some sweet things done for/with his loved ones, but then spends longer than he'd budgeted for trying to make amends with a difficult relationship and then manages to get arrested for speeding. one quick drink with the friend who bails him out dominos into missing dinner with his family.
luckily, he makes it home and gets to soak up one last night appreciating the beauty of his simple little life. it's heartbreaking in a way. of course he wakes up the next morning, heart still beating.
for me lately, most days feel like those 22 hours. i'm trying my best to accept the inevitability that i can make a plan, but i'm gonna keep fumbling through and fucking up and many things are always going to be out of my control. some of it is my fault, though.
why do people even eat the fugu in the first place? in some ways, i know no food could be so good to be worth potential death. it's obviously not the taste alone; it has to in part be the thrill of the risk; a way to feel something new. i read that some in japan believed the only cure for fugu poisoning is to bury oneself up to the neck in sand. sometimes i feel like that too, even though it's superstition and futile. sometimes immobility feels safer than facing life head on. or at least warmer. but that doesn't help either. i'm not sure what to do.
i suppose the answer is the same as it ever was; keep trying. keep failing. keep experiencing human desire. try to learn from the falls and appreciate the whole journey until your heart stops.
