i choose to live and grow

one thing i somehow forgot about working in animal hospitals is how good it is for putting ego aside. 

you can't make anything about yourself. you can't ruminate and drown in your thoughts and feel sorry for yourself. there's no time.

you have to be present and engaged and on top of it all. it doesn't matter how tired you are, and it especially doesn't give a fuck that you're tired for the wrong reasons. there's no time. 

you can't sit in your own sadness, as there's always someone there suffering with something so much more tangible and heartbreaking. it can't be about you. there's no time. 

once you get home, that's another story. but i will always be grateful for what emergency veterinary medicine has taught and continues to teach me every day. time is what you make of her.

i'm just a little star in this vast galaxy. as it should be.

can't always get what you want

 i'm actively working super hard to stay positive and grow and appreciate everything, even though 2025 has been a nightmare so far. i'm training at a new job and so grateful for it, even though it means a pay cut for a lot of difficulty. i'm also really confused, as i'm feeling more on an island than i have been for ages. i thought i was setting the right boundaries for myself in order to take the space i needed to learn about myself, but lately it feels like i've detached from people who do care because i made the wrong choices. 

i can survive alone; i have before and will again. it's just tough to acknowledge that i finally let myself trust and sometimes that trust means what you get from it is trust is sometimes accepting that people give you  what you need and not what makes you feel better. 

in shadows

 it's 2025 now. most of my soul is grateful that i'm still here. the rest of it is kind of confused as the handful of people i've reached out to with genuine vulnerability in my unsteadiness are either frustrated with me for not being who they want me to be, or here only as much as i can be there for them, or not in a place where they can healthily listen to my bullshit (that one's understandable). 

what about me, though? i know the goal is to not need anyone else's approval, but sometimes we all need to hear we're okay and enough, right? that's not weakness, it's humanity.