cold hands warm heart

i took the train home to see my family this weekend. now we're snowed in. it's 16°f. in south louisiana. the trains aren't running and the interstate is closed. we've never had snow that stuck before. 

my mom and i have had to have a lot of very difficult conversations this weekend. apparently since dad didn't think he needed a will, i have to be consulted on things i never expected, making things even more difficult for my mom.

she mentioned that she and dad got engaged over valentine's day weekend. my oldest cousin, four at the time, told my mom that dad had a ring in his pocket. she never told him she knew. 

he drove her out to this little restaurant called Grandma's House where they had their first real date. they got there and it was burned down. so they drove out to the camp for disabled kids in anacoco where they met as counselors. he asked her to marry him that valentine's weekend. it was snowing. 

i saw her face with the snow behind her as she realized the gravity of it all and i will never forget it.

staring at the ceiling sky

i might have been a little bit wrong. 

i do not think that i am quite ready.

but i have to go.

and i will.

but i am so exhausted and could use a good wish or prayer from anyone out there.

 i am taking a train in the morning to go home for the first time since the funeral services. i am panicking a little bit. but i am strong or whatever.

so i got covid. okay now mostly! just so tired all of the time. it's hard enough just to try and work on life and actual writing projects, let alone continue to leave myself notes here, but i said i would, so i will try. things have been a little tough lately, yet i get little bursts of energy where i feel like my old self and try and open up as much as i can before the walls go back up. i am trying. i will keep trying. i am still in here. 

so i thought maybe a good way to heal would be to step away from my own shit and maybe help boost up others. i have been trying so hard but i am so utterly, thoroughly exhausted

nothing seems to be distracting enough lately, even sleep

my mom and my brother both have covid

i am sure they will be fine

turn order

little gifts. it's been three days since my last pre-sunrise anxiety attack. i am slowly learning to push through and realign myself. then again, i fight sleep until it defeats me. baby steps. shit happens. grow from it. 

talk about it, even if it is to no one and everything you say sounds stupid. send it out and let it go.

one thing i think i needed to learn is that sometimes it is healing to talk to different people, even when you don't feel up to it. i have been trying so hard not to push people away. i spent some time speaking to some friends i don't know so well with similar interests under a guise of helping someone out. turns out i laughed a lot and felt a bit more like myself and maybe i was the one who needed help. 

you might feel alien and misunderstood and kinda pointless sometimes, but that doesn't mean that you are.