i spent most of today worrying about the three or four things i had agreed to do and attend and how i normally would have just done them whether i wanted to or not out of obligation. but i'm learning boundaries and paying attention to what i need to survive and took care of myself alone at home instead. i'm feeling more centered now and somehow incredibly not wanting to be alone anymore, but i also don't think i can take a big group without putting a mask on.
i'm okay though! i'm always okay. i'll figure it out. i always do. it's just especially a tough realization always when you do reach out for guidance or help to those you hold closest and finally understand that they have to do the same for themselves and can't always bend to your every whim, no matter how much they have your best interests at heart. i'd like to absorb that comprehension as a solid acknowledgment of growth, yet it doesn't make the aloneness any easier.
and so it goes. i think i'm gonna order a pizza or some shit because i don't eat enough unless someone makes me these days. until then, i'll stay sprawled on this little blanket outside and watch the sky stay still.
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