Monday, August 17, 2009

first day of school

first day of school

today is my first day as an accidental high school teacher. i teach just a couple of classes a day. it is very hard to not feel overwhelmed. always aiming for whelmed over here.

i can't believe i've forgotten how utterly spent most twelfth-graders are. it's as if they're so over the whole banal schooling process that their frustration is palpable, dense. i've never imagined myself the hero teacher in a lower-income urban setting; i know how incredibly complex all sides of that facade are. the closest i've ever come is the time i played the secretary in my high school repertory's production of Stand and Deliver, and even then i served as comic relief. also, my acting was comically bad.

i make dumb jokes; the kids here seem too disinterested to laugh. most of my students are in my course simply because this is an insanely underfunded school district and there simply aren't enough enrichment classes to fit students' schedules, but they need the extra half-credit to graduate. i teach test preparation. many of my students don't plan on attending university. yet, i feel compelled to engage them somehow. i don't know if it's because i: a. secretly can't resist a challenge, b. really do still hold a thread of the empathy i once raveled in overabundance when young and passionate and in college/avoiding the Real World (as my mother says), or c. have finally completely and wholly LOST MY MIND.

not-totally-jokes aside, this is going to be a trying semester. i don't think i'll speak of it much though as i don't want to risk saying anything private regarding my school/work environment on a medium that is so easily (and in my case perpetually) misconstrued.

i just need advice. how does one inspire an overcrowded mass of kids who feel imprisoned rather than empowered and will likely never give a flying x-box controller what i have to teach? maybe i should be asking google instead of, well, no one. i'm going to call my dad and grandma as they've done this professionally for years and the already infinite respect and love i have for them has somehow increased exponentially. oh god, i hope there are no math problems like that on this test because i don't even know if that's rational. can one multiply infinity by itself?

hilarious.



Thursday, May 7, 2009

big gold dreams, or bloggin' part II: 2002's revenge

jeez louise, EVERYONE ON GCHAT (this is why i quit internets for so long by the way), i know what a blog is. actually, i had a livejournal or two back when i was brave and motivated and out of my fucking mind.

i think i just finally got over myself a couple of years ago. i don't delude myself into thinking that every single thought i have needs to be said/heard anymore. there are child soldiers and shit. even celebrities know that now. yep.

i had a really rough time after my car accident. i spent so much time trying to convince everyone else and myself that i was fine--no, that i was excellent. i was terrified and alone. i had nightmares for months and felt like i'd never meet someone who could relate to me on a genuine, honest level again. i changed in unspeakable ways at that point. wasn't all bad, though. i became more idealistic, to a fault, i suppose. i still have a lot of anxiety that never totally goes away.

i'm twenty-five now.
nearly twenty-six, a strange number that's followed me for the entirety of my existence.
it's a thing.

eh, who knows how words are formed? -m. scott, genius

i've felt for a long time that there's just so much to know that i'll never know, and at some point i just got mindshatteringly (haha!) overwhelmed. i'm just trying to get to whelmed.

on another note, maybe i'll go to grad school after all. i've already got uzbekistan's gdp in loans from when dad got sick and i left american, so why the hell not? i still like learning. you guys can grumble about grad assignments all you want, but i'm incredibly jealous and it's an ugly quality.

quite unbecoming of me. remind me when i too get all grouchy and whatnot.

the p word

i'm wondering if maybe when people say they work best under the suffocating pressure of deadlines--is it just because that's the point when we break through that seal and realize that not everything has to be grandiose and groundbreaking, that now we just have to get it done? i don't really think most stuff comes out best that way; i think it's just that something is finally being produced. when i was in school i made this mistake a lot. even with simple creative writing, i mean, i'd be like, okay! enough. i'd have spent the whole more-than-enough time losing my shit thinking i had to write Something with Meaning, something Great, because even if it was just a school assignment, well, maybe i could expand it and make it into something noteworthy or publishable. well, guess what?

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO GET THE SHIT DONE. YOU CAN ALWAYS CHANGE THINGS LATER.

this is just a note to self, really; i sound like a high schooler trying to be philosophical, but i'm honestly just reminding myself that if i don't just fucking write already, it's not gonna get written. nobody's coming to save me. i'm not giving advice; i'm the last person qualified to do that at this given moment.