big gold dreams, or bloggin' part II: 2002's revenge

jeez louise, EVERYONE ON GCHAT (this is why i quit internets for so long by the way), i know what a blog is. actually, i had a livejournal or two back when i was brave and motivated and out of my fucking mind.

i think i just finally got over myself a couple of years ago. i don't delude myself into thinking that every single thought i have needs to be said/heard anymore. there are child soldiers and shit. even celebrities know that now. yep.

i had a really rough time after my car accident. i spent so much time trying to convince everyone else and myself that i was fine--no, that i was excellent. i was terrified and alone. i had nightmares for months and felt like i'd never meet someone who could relate to me on a genuine, honest level again. i changed in unspeakable ways at that point. wasn't all bad, though. i became more idealistic, to a fault, i suppose. i still have a lot of anxiety that never totally goes away.

i'm twenty-five now.
nearly twenty-six, a strange number that's followed me for the entirety of my existence.
it's a thing.

eh, who knows how words are formed? -m. scott, genius

i've felt for a long time that there's just so much to know that i'll never know, and at some point i just got mindshatteringly (haha!) overwhelmed. i'm just trying to get to whelmed.

on another note, maybe i'll go to grad school after all. i've already got uzbekistan's gdp in loans from when dad got sick and i left american, so why the hell not? i still like learning. you guys can grumble about grad assignments all you want, but i'm incredibly jealous and it's an ugly quality.

quite unbecoming of me. remind me when i too get all grouchy and whatnot.

the p word

i'm wondering if maybe when people say they work best under the suffocating pressure of deadlines--is it just because that's the point when we break through that seal and realize that not everything has to be grandiose and groundbreaking, that now we just have to get it done? i don't really think most stuff comes out best that way; i think it's just that something is finally being produced. when i was in school i made this mistake a lot. even with simple creative writing, i mean, i'd be like, okay! enough. i'd have spent the whole more-than-enough time losing my shit thinking i had to write Something with Meaning, something Great, because even if it was just a school assignment, well, maybe i could expand it and make it into something noteworthy or publishable. well, guess what?

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO GET THE SHIT DONE. YOU CAN ALWAYS CHANGE THINGS LATER.

this is just a note to self, really; i sound like a high schooler trying to be philosophical, but i'm honestly just reminding myself that if i don't just fucking write already, it's not gonna get written. nobody's coming to save me. i'm not giving advice; i'm the last person qualified to do that at this given moment.